Two days this week so far have had something to do with my feelings about the leash... here is what I wrote in my journal
~Sunday~
For some reason today I find myself craving a leash. I feel the need to hear the click as it attaches to my collar. The security of being led by Master wherever he wants me to go. I felt it first after my interview with Master WW. I could not figure out why. I almost asked my mentors if it is even allowed, since I am only GIS1. I will bide my time though... I know when a Master wishes it, he will take my leash
~Tuesday~
When He leashed me.... my heart stopped for a moment, and it started back up wildly... my breathing came fast... my heart felt huge in my chest... i almost wanted to cry... i gasped as soon as he jerked me over to him... that loss of control was wonderful... this simple thing... it took my breath away....
and then the leash was removed... i actually frowned... it felt wrong... i know it was just a demonstration, but now i want it even more... i want to continue to kneel at His feet and have Him lead me around... to guide me where i need to be... to keep me safe and secure in my submission to him...
i needed this... i felt my submission deeply... down in my core... and so deep in my heart i am still reeling from it... it amazes me that i can feel the things i have been feeling with a Master who is not "my Master".... i can say all day long that i am polyamorus... but i *feel* it here in Austin... i love the Masters, i love the girls... and i do not feel jealous, or envious of any of them... i just want them all to be happy and feel loved always.... and i will do everything possible to make sure i help to make that happen
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Friday, May 9, 2014
The Beginning
This past Sunday I entered training at a place in Second Life
called Austin Island-The Story of O@ Austin. It has been less
than a week and I have already learned things about myself. Most
significantly is the lesson in the following excerpt from the journal
I am keeping in game. Names are changed slightly to protect
privacy...
~Wednesday~
Today was an interesting day. I was tested for the first time by a Master. In the cafe spending time with everyone, Master C decided he wanted to see what I would do if asked to fetch him a drink. With my training from Gor, I am not a stranger to service in this way. I did just fine getting him his drink, doilie and all... up until I took the drink to him. After emoting that I had offered him his drink, I made a mistake. I had been controlling the tv again for a while and decided to change the song (it had been repeating for a few cycles). What was I thinking?!? He immediately corrected me, and I apologized while blushing furiously both in SL and in RL. I finished the serve, and went to offer service to another man in the room, who declined. My nerves were so frazzled at this point that I stood near the little tv and watched everyone talking for a good 5 minutes before I could even do the simple task of making myself kneel.... I did not recover from this as well as I had hoped I would. It had been so long since a Dominant had corrected me, or even showed enough care to want to, that I was completely thrown. It was so simple... something small... all he did was tell me to think of what was more important... but I felt shame... I felt like I had failed and disappointed him, and it almost brought me to tears.
Fortunately, at least for my interactions with other people at that moment, I had to log off for a little while to do some things in RL. I was able to calm myself down and actually reflect on what had happened. I needed to know why I had reacted so strongly to such a simple correction. For a long time I have always detached myself from my avi. I tell myself, "I can do anything with her to certain points because it is not really me these things are happening to." I always looked at RP in SL as just that, a pretend sort of role play that allows me to do things I can not do in RL. I was wrong... I knew on some level that being here at Austin is different than any other place I have been in SL. I knew that going into this training I would have to open up the real me, but I did not know the extent of how open I had ALREADY made myself. I am starting to see my avi as just another part of the real me. She can move and experience the physical things I can only imagine in my mind. She is the visual representation of the beautiful submissive woman that is buried deep inside of me screaming and fighting to get out and show herself to the world.
I know now that I am submitting all of myself to this training. I want to learn. I want to grow and change and be everything I know I can be. And in that one moment with Master C I felt... alive. He woke up that sleeping beauty and passed her a rope ladder built with knowledge that will only bring her further into the light.
~Wednesday~
Today was an interesting day. I was tested for the first time by a Master. In the cafe spending time with everyone, Master C decided he wanted to see what I would do if asked to fetch him a drink. With my training from Gor, I am not a stranger to service in this way. I did just fine getting him his drink, doilie and all... up until I took the drink to him. After emoting that I had offered him his drink, I made a mistake. I had been controlling the tv again for a while and decided to change the song (it had been repeating for a few cycles). What was I thinking?!? He immediately corrected me, and I apologized while blushing furiously both in SL and in RL. I finished the serve, and went to offer service to another man in the room, who declined. My nerves were so frazzled at this point that I stood near the little tv and watched everyone talking for a good 5 minutes before I could even do the simple task of making myself kneel.... I did not recover from this as well as I had hoped I would. It had been so long since a Dominant had corrected me, or even showed enough care to want to, that I was completely thrown. It was so simple... something small... all he did was tell me to think of what was more important... but I felt shame... I felt like I had failed and disappointed him, and it almost brought me to tears.
Fortunately, at least for my interactions with other people at that moment, I had to log off for a little while to do some things in RL. I was able to calm myself down and actually reflect on what had happened. I needed to know why I had reacted so strongly to such a simple correction. For a long time I have always detached myself from my avi. I tell myself, "I can do anything with her to certain points because it is not really me these things are happening to." I always looked at RP in SL as just that, a pretend sort of role play that allows me to do things I can not do in RL. I was wrong... I knew on some level that being here at Austin is different than any other place I have been in SL. I knew that going into this training I would have to open up the real me, but I did not know the extent of how open I had ALREADY made myself. I am starting to see my avi as just another part of the real me. She can move and experience the physical things I can only imagine in my mind. She is the visual representation of the beautiful submissive woman that is buried deep inside of me screaming and fighting to get out and show herself to the world.
I know now that I am submitting all of myself to this training. I want to learn. I want to grow and change and be everything I know I can be. And in that one moment with Master C I felt... alive. He woke up that sleeping beauty and passed her a rope ladder built with knowledge that will only bring her further into the light.
Getting Started
Several weeks ago I decided to start a journey into myself. I want to know my submission. I want to grow and learn. Let me start with a little glimpse into what my state of mind has been in the recent past...
A year ago
Sometimes I feel like there is a giant hole in my chest and the emptiness is in the place where my heart should be. It hurts so bad sometimes it's hard to catch my breath. I end up having to wrap my arms around myself and squeeze. Maybe it's just my body telling me that I need human contact, that I need a hug. Or maybe, the lonely feelings I have are literally starting to tear me apart. Either way, I need to find a solution and soon or I don't think I'll make it...
It wraps it's arms around me whenever it looks like the light is coming through.
It tears at my heart if it even starts to love.
It causes doubts where there should only be trust.
Inside I am screaming for the pain to stop.
Why can't I have what I need to feel whole?
Why won't the darkness let me live in the light?
I lay down at night and wonder when it will be my turn
I just want to feel like it's me they want
They always look past me and see that other girl
The girl who's prettier, or more exciting
The girl who's younger, or more confident
The girl who's just more than I will ever be
When will it be my turn to be that girl?
Three months ago
As I look back over the year that has passed I wonder how I allowed myself to get to this place. I know I am stronger than my actions portrayed. I bent under the will of someone who held me in so little regard that I don't think he even saw me as a woman but more as a responsibility. I sacrificed a huge part of myself trying to turn into what he needed and I feel like that has left me broken. I am doing my damnedest not to cling to him, and fairly well succeeding, but I still feel slightly empty. I am trying so hard not to see this as a failing on my part, but more as an opportunity to find that one who sees me. All I want now is to move forward with my new life, hopefully with someone who wants me for who I am and not who he wants to turn me into.
Until very recently my life has been all about taking care of a husband. I always put his desires before my own. I asked him every time I wanted to do something if it was "alright" before I would do pretty much anything. Basically my life was all about trying to be the best wife and mother I could be.
Now I am a single mother, and to be honest, I feel a little like a sheep thrown out to the wolves. I do not want to be alone. I have spent my whole adult life belonging to someone, and now that I only belong to myself the only thing I seem to be able to think about is how to change that.
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