Getting Started

Several weeks ago I decided to start a journey into myself. I want to know my submission. I want to grow and learn. Let me start with a little glimpse into what my state of mind has been in the recent past...

A year ago

Sometimes I feel like there is a giant hole in my chest and the emptiness is in the place where my heart should be. It hurts so bad sometimes it's hard to catch my breath. I end up having to wrap my arms around myself and squeeze. Maybe it's just my body telling me that I need human contact, that I need a hug. Or maybe, the lonely feelings I have are literally starting to tear me apart. Either way, I need to find a solution and soon or I don't think I'll make it...

It wraps it's arms around me whenever it looks like the light is coming through.
It tears at my heart if it even starts to love.
It causes doubts where there should only be trust.
Inside I am screaming for the pain to stop.
Why can't I have what I need to feel whole?
Why won't the darkness let me live in the light?

I lay down at night and wonder when it will be my turn
I just want to feel like it's me they want
They always look past me and see that other girl
The girl who's prettier, or more exciting
The girl who's younger, or more confident
The girl who's just more than I will ever be
When will it be my turn to be that girl?

Three months ago

As I look back over the year that has passed I wonder how I allowed myself to get to this place. I know I am stronger than my actions portrayed. I bent under the will of someone who held me in so little regard that I don't think he even saw me as a woman but more as a responsibility. I sacrificed a huge part of myself trying to turn into what he needed and I feel like that has left me broken. I am doing my damnedest not to cling to him, and fairly well succeeding, but I still feel slightly empty. I am trying so hard not to see this as a failing on my part, but more as an opportunity to find that one who sees me. All I want now is to move forward with my new life, hopefully with someone who wants me for who I am and not who he wants to turn me into.

Until very recently my life has been all about taking care of a husband. I always put his desires before my own. I asked him every time I wanted to do something if it was "alright" before I would do pretty much anything. Basically my life was all about trying to be the best wife and mother I could be.

Now I am a single mother, and to be honest, I feel a little like a sheep thrown out to the wolves. I do not want to be alone. I have spent my whole adult life belonging to someone, and now that I only belong to myself the only thing I seem to be able to think about is how to change that.